


calling out to you

by haetbit



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), And That Is Okay, Angst with a Happy Ending, Future Fic, Light Angst, M/M, johnjae are not a perfect couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24037930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haetbit/pseuds/haetbit
Summary: An unexpected meeting on New Year’s Eve causes feelings which Jaehyun thought he has buried to resurface.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 17
Kudos: 120





	calling out to you

**Author's Note:**

> _the feelings which I tried so hard to hide quietly rise up,_   
>  _and I yearningly call out to you again._   
>  _— Time Lapse / Taeyeon_

It was the end of another year.

All around Seoul, people were gathered – families, friends, couples, all waiting to welcome the new year together. Some years ago, Jaehyun would have been holed up in a waiting room or a broadcasting hall with his team, performing for the year-end festivities, but as they grew in seniority these became less necessary to attend. In recent years they have been gathering between themselves to celebrate, just a small party at someone’s place, though the attendance has been dropping too. This year, it would be just three: Doyoung, Donghyuck and himself.

 _The three lonely musketeers!_ Donghyuck had exclaimed in their group chat when they found out that all the other members were either spending it with their families or their partners.

 _Yah, don’t say it out loud… It makes it even sadder…_ Doyoung had replied.

They might complain, but none of them really blamed anyone for choosing not to join. They still meet often enough on other occasions, except for those who were back home in their home countries — they definitely don’t get to see them as often. Yuta mostly worked in Japan, while Mark was usually zooming between Canada, America and Korea — still as busy as ever.

And then there was Youngho.

The last he had heard (from Taeyong, most likely), he was on a solo trip around the world. He could recall seeing a few photos of Spain and Italy that Youngho uploaded a few months ago. But that was it — the latest update he’s received about him. Not that Jaehyun was concerned: they still talk… on the group chat.

Or at least, Jaehyun was trying hard not to be concerned. Until someone prods his bubble of self-deceit suddenly, such as Donghyuck, who was sharing about his phone call with Youngho last week over dinner at Doyoung’s apartment.

“Oh, right I almost forgot. It seems like Youngho-hyung is planning on coming back to Korea soon! Apparently a cousin of his down in Daegu is getting married...”

Jaehyun felt his muscles freeze at the mention of Youngho, but he eased up soon enough before anyone could notice. He listened quietly as Donghyuck and Doyoung mused over this new information, feeling somewhat excluded from the conversation.

_So they are all still in contact with one another…_

He couldn’t remember the last time he contacted Youngho. Neither could he remember the last time Youngho contacted him, but he has an inkling that it was later than when he had last reached out to him personally. The thought sent a pang of guilt through him, and he snickered in reaction to it.

Wasn’t this how their relationship has always been?

“Ah, hyung. Sorry.”

Donghyuck’s sudden apology startled Jaehyun, only realising then that he had completely shut himself off from the two of his friends. He looked up to see both Doyoung and Donghyuck looking at him with concern in their eyes and blinked in surprise.

“No, I’m sorry. I just thought of something else suddenly. What were you saying?”

“It’s just… You and Youngho-hyung haven’t reconciled yet, right?” Donghyuck asked, and Jaehyun felt his eyes widen even more.

_What?_

“Reconcile… What…?”

Donghyuck shrugged, feigning nonchalance.

“Youngho-hyung was asking me about how you were doing, so I asked him why he was asking me,” he explained while picking at the leftovers in his plate, “He said that it was a little awkward between you two right now.”

Jaehyun clenched his jaw at his words. 

“So I thought that you guys must have gotten into a fight.”

It would be a lie to say that Jaehyun wasn’t relieved about how Youngho was still looking out for him, but he couldn’t help the annoyance (and maybe a bit of disappointment) that rose up inside him. What Youngho said wasn’t wrong: things _were_ awkward between them. But did he have to ask about him from another person like this?

“Did something happen?” Doyoung asked with genuine concern.

To be honest, Jaehyun was surprised that Doyoung didn’t seem to know anything about this arrangement they’re upholding. After all, Doyoung has always been Youngho’s closest confidant within the entire team.

“Nothing much,” Jaehyun said easily, in an attempt to gloss over this topic.

“I’ll text him later to wish him a happy new year, so don’t worry.”

He smiled at the other two as he raised his own glass, signalling for them to cheers.

“Well, hyung. If Youngho-hyung is bullying you, tell us immediately. We’ll go fight him for you.”

They all laughed at Donghyuck’s declaration and toasted to the new year together. Almost immediately, Doyoung and Donghyuck began to jokingly bicker about something else again, and Jaehyun willed himself to throw the thought of Youngho to the back of his mind for now.

  
  


As it turned out, both Donghyuck and Doyoung had plans to accompany their families for the countdown that night, and the small gathering ended sooner than Jaehyun had expected it to.

“Sorry, Jaehyun-ah,” Doyoung apologised as they started packing up to leave. “Are you going to go to your parent’s place?”

He shook his head. It was late, he didn’t want to trouble his parents, especially his mother who would definitely make a fuss to cook something for him once he told them he was coming home.

“It’s okay, it’s just the countdown. I can stay home for that,” Jaehyun reassured them, “I had fun seeing you guys again after a long time.”

Donghyuck clung to him in a tight hug from the moment they left Doyoung’s apartment all the way to the basement carpark, to which he returned just as tightly. He really was happy that he got to meet them today, especially since it’s been some time since they had a chance to sit down and talk leisurely like that. It almost felt like they were back in the past, in their overcrowded dorm, snacking secretly as they chatted all the way till the wee hours. He wasn’t one to dwell on the past, but it was always fun to revisit those fun times.

They said their goodbyes at the carpark, Jaehyun the last to leave as he waved goodbye to each of them. The reality that he now had to face the thoughts of Youngho hit him the moment he entered his car, and he sighed loudly. He fumbled around the glovebox for the stash of cigarettes he saved for emergencies like this, and groaned when he remembered that he’s thrown the pack away last month after Taeyong and Doyoung both wouldn’t stop reminding him to take care of his health ever since they found out about his coping mechanism. He really wasn’t a heavy smoker; he’s only picked it up over a year ago, from an old friend from middle school, and he only takes a drag or two when he really needed to clear his head.

Tonight was one of those times, and he apologised to his hyungs in his head as he drove to the nearest convenience store to get a pack before heading back home.

Being New Year’s Eve, and almost eleven o’clock, the store was pretty much empty. It made things easier, but Jaehyun still put on a mask before heading in just to be safe. He went up to the counter straight and asked for a pack of cigarettes in the brand he preferred. Another customer seemed to have gotten in line behind him as he was about to pay, and he tugged the mask a little higher out of habit.

“Excuse me, are there any hot packs left by any chance?”

The voice that spoke behind him caused him to jump, and he felt his heartrate pick up. It sounded like…

Surely not.

Surely… How likely can this be. Wasn’t he supposed to only arrive over the next few days? He dazedly retrieved his change from the cashier, and the name was out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

“… Youngho-hyung?”

The man turned to look at him when he turned behind, clearly as equally surprised. A look of confusion momentarily crossed his face, before it broke into a wide smile Jaehyun was most familiar with. In almost a split second he wished that he hadn’t called out to him; he should have just dismissed that thought, bought that packet of cigarettes and went straight back to his car. It was a dumb move. A really stupid, reckless move.

“Oops. Guess I got caught, huh?”

… was the first thing Youngho said to him after they ‘lost contact’ for over two years, with a sheepish smile hanging on his lips. 

And Jaehyun couldn't find it in himself to say anything at all.

-

“When did you start to learn to smoke?”

Jaehyun wanted to laugh at the way Youngho phrased it — to _learn to smoke?_ How old did he think he was, still seventeen with a voice that breaks?

But nothing could possibly be as hilarious as the situation he found himself in on this night, and so he didn’t laugh. As a matter of fact, he wanted to dig himself a hole right at this moment, but his hands were occupied with the steering wheel in front of him: they (referring to Youngho and himself, for some reason Jaehyun still cannot comprehend) were going back to his apartment. Youngho might have low-key guilt-tripped him after he wanted to (and almost managed to) say goodbye right after he found out why Youngho was here (he had arrived in Korea earlier to visit family with his parents, and had forgotten that Doyoung’s place was in the vicinity).

_“As expected of Jaehyunnie, as cold as always.”_

He wanted to think that Youngho meant it as a joke, but he couldn’t be sure when the guilt that came up during the earlier conversation with Doyoung and Donghyuck struck him once again. They talked for a while outside the store, and Jaehyun found out that Youngho was set on spending tonight alone too, having declined to go to see the New Year’s bell-ringing ceremony with his family.

_“Should we count down together then, hyung?”_

And so here they were.

“Around a year or two ago,” he replied briefly, his eyes fixed on the road ahead.

Youngho hummed thoughtfully but said nothing else. The rest of the journey went by in silence, aside from Jaehyun asking how long he was planning to stay in Korea this time round and if his parents were well. He could almost hear Youngho’s mom cooing at him at the thought of Youngho’s parents; they have always treated their team as their own sons, and Jaehyun was especially adored by Youngho’s mom. It wasn’t surprising since he’s grown up being loved by his older relatives, but to have a close friend’s parent love him like her own son — that was something different.

 _“My mom seems to like you a lot.”_ He recalled Youngho telling him, quite a few years ago, when they first performed in Chicago for their tour and went to visit his family. The memory still sent a burst of warmth through him even now, and he smiled despite himself. 

“My mom was asking when I was planning to go find you all, and I told her that I wanted it to be a surprise,” Youngho chuckled, turning his head to look at Jaehyun, “But the surprise really is ruined now.”

“Hyung is going to get a real earful from Donghyuck when he finds out.”

“You’re not going to tell the rest about this, are you?”

Jaehyun glanced over to see Youngho’s look of betrayal and grinned while shaking his head in mild exasperation.

“Not if you don’t want me to.”

Youngho laughed in response, and Jaehyun felt the tension within him melt a little. That’s right, he’s almost forgotten how easy it was to be around Youngho. This was how it used to be, before something changed between them and their relationship. Before things got ‘awkward’ between them, like Youngho had said.

 _Where exactly did we go wrong?_ The same thought that he had over the past two years resurfaced again, and he bit his lips. This night was really not going well for him.

  
  


Jaehyun realised only after they’ve both stepped into his apartment that his fridge was as good as empty now, since he’s been eating out over the past few days due to work. A little embarrassed, he apologised to Youngho about the lack of food to offer him aside from some beer and wine, and asked if he wanted to order delivery.

But Youngho coolly brushed the offer off and said, “I didn’t come here to eat, Jaehyun-ah. It’s okay, let’s just have some wine.”

With a bottle of wine between them, they sat together on the floor of Jaehyun’s living room, the live year-end performances playing on the television in front of them. They made some small talk about the program, reminiscing the days when they were the ones performing instead and alternating their attention between the glass of wine in their hands and the screen.

When the hosts announced that it was 10 minutes before midnight, Youngho leaned back and stretched, startling Jaehyun with his sudden movement. He watched with amusement as Youngho opened his mouth to a low, throaty scream, as if in poor imitation of the fans’ screaming on the television.

“This year was really a tiring but fruitful one,” he concluded, body folding back up again with a satisfied smile.

Jaehyun wanted to ask how so; how _has_ his year been? What did he do and see, where did he go? But these questions already made him feel pathetic before he’s even said them, so he swallowed those and asked instead another one that has been bothering him since the evening.

“Donghyuck told me just now, that you asked him about how I was doing.”

It came out as a statement, not a question. Youngho looked at him, expression unreadable, before he nodded. When it was clear that he wasn’t intending to elaborate, Jaehyun prodded further.

“You could have asked me directly.”

This time, Youngho didn’t look at him. His eyes were fixed on the screen, but Jaehyun knew that he was thinking about what to say. He knew him well enough to recognise that expression.

“I thought you might have wanted some time alone, since you didn’t contact me for so long —”

“But hyung didn’t contact me either.”

Jaehyun paused, shocked by his own sudden outburst and how childish he sounded just now. Youngho seemed to be shocked too, his eyes slightly widened, but he recovered quickly by laughing it off.

“Oh no, I’ve made our Jaehyunnie upset, haven’t I? Hyung is sorry~”

Youngho’s hand came up to pinch his cheek gently and he humoured him begrudgingly, both to make up for his outburst and to get over his own embarrassment. When the teasing was finally over, Youngho hummed in contemplation.

“I know, Jaehyun-ah. I could have reached out to you first. But you know,” Youngho hesitated for a moment.

“I’m human too. I get tired of being the first to reach out each time.”

He felt a dull ache spreading across his chest at the resignation in Youngho’s tone, and gripped the glass in his hand a little tighter. His mind tried to process his thoughts even faster, to think of something to say, but Youngho was already smiling at him.

“But it’s okay, I’ve come to understand that that’s how you are,” he reassured Jaehyun, his hand coming up to pat him on his back encouragingly, “You’ve always been rather headstrong and independent. Plus, I figured that you were doing well, and it’s not like we got into a fight… So I didn’t think too much about it.”

The countdown was starting now, a 3-minute timer displayed on the screen, with the hosts asking the popular groups what their wishes for the new year were. Jaehyun was no longer paying any attention to the screen, though. His head was filled with things that he wanted to say, but he didn’t know how.

“I should have known that you would get hurt, I’m sorry.”

That wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want Youngho’s apology. He wanted to ask Youngho, _What about the kiss? That was what led us to become like this, that was what changed us. Shouldn’t we talk about it?_

But the bell was already ringing in its low chime on the television, signalling the start of the new year, and Jaehyun missed his timing to say anything. 

“Happy New Year, Jae,” wished Youngho as he looked at him with a gentle smile. 

And so, for the first minute into the new year, the first clear thought Jaehyun had amidst the mess in his brain was: _This cannot go on like this._

They ended up letting the program run till it was over, an awkward silence hanging over them for the remainder of the time as they each mulled over their own thoughts. Youngho announced then that he should probably get back to the hotel, and Jaehyun murmured his assent before he switched the television set off. He followed Youngho to the doorway, thinking hard of what he could say at this point.

“We’ll see each other again before you leave, right, hyung?”

At his question, Youngho grinned as he shrugged his coat on at the doorway.

“I’ll treat you all to a meal before I fly back next week,” Youngho promised.

“You have to come.”

The menacing look Youngho tried to give him lightened his heart a little, and he smiled.

“Let me know the time and place.”

At least this one thing of their relationship hasn’t changed: if Youngho asks, Jaehyun never says no.

-

For what may be the ninth time that morning, Jaehyun yawned, this time stretching a little in his seat.

“What’s with you? Didn’t sleep well last night?” his manager asked, looking at him through the rear-view mirror.

“Yeah,” he replied, “Had a nightmare.”

That was a lie. He’d rather it to have been a nightmare, but it was something much worse. Something that wasn’t new to him either; he’s been having this dream recurringly over the past two years.

It was always the same setting: on the public bus he often took to the company after school during his trainee days, with a familiar scenery outside the window. Only that there was no one else on the bus, except for him and Youngho. He could never seem to remember how exactly Youngho looked: what he was wearing or what hairstyle he had – they were all a blur. He could only remember his face and the way he had looked at him, like he was the only thing he could see. It was something that he was used to, but it was also something he was used to turning away from, both out of embarrassment and denial — denial to delve deeper into recognising what it really meant. 

But in his dreams, Jaehyun didn’t turn away. They smiled at each other, and then they kissed. Or rather, Youngho kissed him, and he kissed him back.

Just like they did two years ago, in the backyard of Youngho’s home in Chicago.

_I love you._

Those words, and Youngho’s voice when he said them, always managed to startle him awake, with his forehead and back slick with sweat. Experience has taught him that it would be impossible to fall back asleep, so he stayed up the rest of the night with some tea and the view outside his window.

He spent the entire time thinking about what happened in Chicago then, and how it had led to this state Youngho and him were in.

It was one of their last few tours together, and the last time they would be performing as a group in Youngho’s home state. Youngho had invited Jaehyun and Mark to stay over, just for the fun of it, even joking that they could have a glamping experience in his backyard. As it had turned out, they did end up building a campfire, to which they all huddled close to in the chilly November night. Slowly, their party grew smaller: the other members left to return to their hotel, Youngho’s parents retreated into the house to give the youngsters their space, and then it was just the three of them.

It was a cosy, warm atmosphere in front of the campfire. Jaehyun was in the middle of them, a somewhat awkward position considering how Youngho and Mark were throwing jokes at each other across him, but he was used to it.

_“But honestly… Three bros sitting in front of a campfire like this… It feels weird.”_

He recalled Mark saying at some point of their conversation. Youngho teased him about what he was thinking of, to which Mark denied vehemently, insisting that he was not thinking of anything. Jaehyun joined in the teasing, and they all laughed as Mark whined about injustice. 

It happened when Mark disappeared into the house, exclaiming that nature was calling him.

 _“Thanks for staying, Jae,”_ Youngho said to him after Mark disappeared into the house, _“Mom was really happy when she found out that some of you were sleeping over.”_

Jaehyun laughed, remembering how excited Youngho’s mother was when she asked them what they would like for breakfast the next morning. He wanted to reply something, something that he could no longer remember, but he didn’t manage to because Youngho was looking at him with those gentle eyes again. It was quiet, except for the cackling of the firewood, and Jaehyun could hear his own heartbeat getting louder and louder as he stared into Youngho’s eyes.

Youngho leaned in first, pressing his lips against his, and then retracting just as fast – almost like a peck. But Jaehyun leaned forward to connect them again, fingers clutching onto Youngho’s sweater in an effort to make him stay. He did, until the sound of Mark’s footsteps drew closer and he had to pull away, hand closing around Jaehyun’s gently to release his hold.

And then it was as if nothing had happened. Mark came back and asked them what they have been talking about as he took his seat. Jaehyun felt the flush in his cheeks grow hotter, but Youngho was already replying.

_“Nothing much, we were just staring into space.”_

Jaehyun wanted to ask what it had meant: what it had meant for Youngho, and what it had meant for their relationship. They were all adults with dating experiences, there was no denying that friends, or teammates, do not kiss one another and pretend that nothing has happened. So _why?_

He wanted to ask Youngho, and tried finding opportunities to do so, but somehow things just never managed to work out. Beyond that, Jaehyun had to deal with his confusion about his own behaviour: why had he kissed him back, in the first place? 

He could keep up with the pretence at the start; that everything was as normal as always and that nothing had changed. But it wasn’t long before he got tired of pretending, and of Youngho’s pretence as well.

So he chose to avoid.

  
  


Jaehyun had planned to call Youngho once he returned home from work that night.

Based on the conversation in their group chat (Youngho had announced his arrival on New Year’s Day, to the complaints of most and Donghyuck’s accusations of being a traitor), he should be in Daegu now, since his cousin’s wedding was to be held on the next day. Jaehyun had contemplated if now would be a bad time to call him up and ask him about it, which led to a half-an-hour staring contest with his phone in his living room, but at last he decided that they’ve waited far too long to have this conversation.

He played with his bracelet absent-mindedly as the call rang and swallowed drily when it finally went through.

_“Jaehyun?”_

There seemed to be quite a commotion going on over where Youngho was, and Jaehyun pursed his lips.

“Sorry, hyung, are you busy right now?”

 _“Not really, it’s just a family gathering... Hold on, let me just get to somewhere quieter,”_ Youngho said as shuffling noises came on, presumably from his movement.

_“Right, I think it’s better now. What’s up?”_

“… That night…”

He paused, wondering if this was too abrupt or if he should elaborate.

“Why did you kiss me, hyung?”

The answer _was_ pretty obvious, but Jaehyun just wanted to be sure, before he dug deeper into himself and uncovered the reason he has been choosing to ignore all those obvious signs all along.

_“… Wow, we really waited a long time before having this conversation, didn’t we?”_

“It’s partially hyung’s fault too…” Jaehyun mumbled.

“ _You’re right, it’s my fault too,”_ admitted Youngho, _“I’m sorry. What I did must have caused you a lot of distress and confusion.”_

Yes, it did, but…

“It’s not that…”

Jaehyun closed his eyes for a second, to calm his nerves down and to find the right words to say.

“Do you love me, hyung?”

There was a long period of silence from the other end of the line, and then a sigh.

 _“It took me a really long while to realise it,”_ Youngho paused for a moment, voice softer now.

_“But I think I’ve always loved you, Jaehyun-ah.”_

Jaehyun felt his mind go blank.

He had expected it, but hearing Youngho say it to him directly was not the same. It felt like a déjà vu from his dream; the tone was exactly the same, too.

_“But what about you? Why did you kiss me back?”_

“I…”

Jaehyun faltered at being asked the question he has been struggling to answer and found himself at a loss for words.

How _did_ he feel about Youngho?

Sure, Youngho and him have never had the closest relationship; it has never been the close camaraderie which Doyoung and Taeyong share, nor the brotherly love that Mark and Donghyuck have. But he wouldn’t say that the relationship he shared with Youngho was like what he shared with any other of the members either. It was special. Youngho has always been a little special, deep in his heart. The person who would always be by his side when he needed someone, who would be paying attention to him even when he wasn’t speaking, even without him asking or realising. That has always been Youngho.

He would be lying to himself if he denied ever having his heart flutter from the things Youngho has done for him. But he has always passed them off as how Youngho doted on his members, even when he had selfishly wished sometimes that he held a special place in Youngho’s heart, that he was different from the others. Now he knew that he did. 

“I don’t know…”

But why did it feel like it wasn’t enough?

_“… Jaehyun-ah, don’t you see? This is the problem.”_

Jaehyun froze.

_“I can never seem to tell how you are feeling. About me, or about that kiss.”_ Youngho explained, sounding unsettlingly collected. As if it no longer mattered to him.

“Hyung, it’s _—”_

 _“But it’s alright now,”_ Youngho continued, cutting Jaehyun off, _“Really, Jaehyun-ah. Let’s just forget that it happened, and go back to how we used to be —”_

“I can’t go back.”

_We can’t go back._

How could they possibly go back now, when he knew how Youngho truly felt? They’ve opened Pandora’s Box with that kiss; all those feelings that they’ve both been trying to hide and ignore have finally risen to the surface. There was no going back, only forward.

They both remained silent for some time, until Jaehyun could hear the voice of an old woman calling Youngho’s name in the background.

 _“I’ve got to go,”_ Youngho announced, tone a lot colder than it was a few minutes ago.

_“I’ll see you on Saturday for dinner with the other kids?”_

“… Yeah.”

The call ended, and Jaehyun slumped back down into his sofa as a wave of exhaustion hit him.

_What were they going to do now?_   
  


-  
  


The team’s dinner with Youngho on Saturday went by quickly.

Jaehyun spent a long time deliberating over whether he should attend at all, but he figured that he wouldn’t have a very good excuse to convince the rest of his sudden absence. Besides, he did want to see Youngho again, even though he was sure he wouldn’t know how to face him.

It turned out that his worries were unfounded, because Youngho didn’t seem to pay him any mind, only giving him attention when he first came into the restaurant and when they were chatting as a group. But something about this nonchalance had hurt, and more than ever before he felt an anger building up in him as he watched Youngho being affectionate towards Jungwoo and Taeil. In the end, he decided to channel his attention to the bottles of alcohol in front of him, letting the warm bitterness of the liquid numb his thoughts.

Before he even realised it, he was already in his car with Taeyong next to him. It seemed like someone had called a replacement driver to send him back. He tried to blink his bleary vision away and shifted to sit upright.

“Are you awake?” Taeyong asked.

Jaehyun nodded and tried to recall how he got back into his car. He could only remember Jungwoo and Donghyuck trying to stop him from drinking, and him waving them off, insisting that it’s fine. And Doyoung. Doyoung shot Youngho a look in the midst of it all, which Youngho purposefully ignored, and Jaehyun wondered if he knew about what was going on.

“Hyung, did I… Did I make a mess?”

It would have been awful if he had; he really didn’t want to ruin the night for the rest of the members, and for Youngho too _—_ he finally came back to Korea for the first time in a long while. Their relationship was already in such a dire state, he didn’t want to make it worse.

“You didn’t do anything, but why exactly did you drink so much?”

Taeyong’s words brought relief to Jaehyun, and he groaned as he felt the alcohol stirring in his stomach uncomfortably. He ignored Taeyong’s question for now, choosing instead to look out of the window and focus on not throwing up in his own car.

“Is there something going on?” Taeyong prodded carefully again, after a few minutes. Jaehyun sighed and shook his head, pointedly looking out of the window in hopes that Taeyong wouldn’t expose his lie.

He ended up needing to make a mad dash to his bathroom to throw up the moment they reached his apartment, and Taeyong took care of him quietly, preparing a warm towel and making a glass of honey water for him. They were quiet as they sat at the dining table, perhaps the quietest it has been when they were alone together. Jaehyun fixed his eyes on the glass in his hands so that he wouldn’t need to meet Taeyong’s questioning eyes, but he had a feeling that he was going to say something about it regardless.

“I know I don’t have a say in you two’s relationship,” Taeyong began, just like he had expected, as he watched Jaehyun finish his water.

“But I think it might be better for the both of you to be clear about what you are looking for, right now.”

Jaehyun looked up at Taeyong then, a sudden urge to confess rising up in him, probably liquid courage.

“Youngho-hyung told me that he’s in love with me.”

Nothing changed in Taeyong’s expression, aside from a flash of comprehension in his eyes.

“… Did hyung know about this too?”

It shouldn’t come as a surprise, since Youngho has always been closer to both Taeyong and Doyoung, but Jaehyun still felt something akin to betrayal by the fact that Taeyong knew and never mentioned anything to him.

“Not really,” Taeyong admitted, “I could guess from the way Youngho treats you, though. It’s different.”

Jaehyun couldn’t help but smile, albeit pathetically, at his words. Even those around them could tell, but they’ve been avoiding it themselves for so long.

“You should think about how you feel, though. I’m sure that’s what he would want, too -– you being honest with him about what you think,” advised Taeyong.

“I’ll go first. Get some rest, and maybe sort it out with Youngho soon. Don’t leave him hanging.”

He said nothing as Taeyong got up to leave, keeping his eyes on the glass as the front door clicked shut behind him.

_I can never seem to tell how you are feeling._

Taeyong was right. Jaehyun was leaving Youngho hanging. He has never told him how he really felt, always only expecting Youngho to look out for him, to come to him first instead. He was taking him for granted.

But similarly, Youngho has never told him before how he felt about Jaehyun acting this way either. They were both always accepting and trying to accommodate each other, so much so that they forgot to really communicate.

Youngho always seemed to be able to bring out his worst — the last bit of childishness and immaturity in him that he still has yet to let go of, the desire for attention and love — all the traits that he wasn’t proud of. That’s just the effect that he had on Jaehyun, he’s grown to understand over the years. Perhaps a part of him was just afraid; afraid of how he could change when he’s around Youngho, just like how Youngho could change subtly when he’s around him, and afraid to depend on him so much. He has never liked to depend too much on those around him, and it scared him that his dependence on Youngho for support and strength was slowly growing.

More than anything else, however, Jaehyun was afraid that uncovering those feelings he’s kept hidden would change too much of their relationship, to the point of no return. Youngho was undeniably special to him, and the last thing he wanted to do would be to ruin their relationship.

But he was more afraid of losing him completely, now. 

  
  


_“Jaehyun? What’s wrong, are you back home yet?”_

He decided on a whim to call Youngho after Taeyong left, relying fully on liquid courage to push him through what he really wanted to say.

“Hyung, I’ve thought through it…”

The other end of the line quietened down the moment Jaehyun started to speak, and all he could hear was Youngho’s steady breathing. 

“I think I was too used to how we were. With me just accepting your warmth, and consideration… I’ve taken all of them for granted.” Jaehyun said slowly, trying hard not to let his words slur.

“That night, I kissed you back because I wanted to. And it’s been appearing in my dreams since then,” he admitted, “I think I’ve known it all along. How hyung feels towards me, and how I feel towards hyung… But I was too afraid to acknowledge them.”

 _“… What exactly are you afraid of?”_ Youngho asked in a tone that was impossible for Jaehyun to guess how he was feeling.

“Of how I seem to get weaker when I’m around you,” Jaehyun answered honestly, sighing softly.

“And of what this might mean for our future.”

It was impossible not to worry about what their families might think, especially when they all knew each other. Would Youngho’s mom still treat him the same, like her own son, when she found out what was going on between them? The possibility that that might change, especially in a bad way, scared him.

_“Jaehyun-ah.”_

_“Honestly, I was scared too, when I first discovered my feelings. But I thought that it would be alright,”_ Youngho confessed.

_“Because it’s how I truly feel, and because it’s you.”_

Jaehyun’s clutch on the phone in his hand became tighter at Youngho’s words. He has always prided himself on how emotionally strong he was, but he was never quite as brave as Youngho was. 

_“I really won’t ask much of you. But please, if you feel the same way,”_ Youngho’s voice took on a more desperate tone now, and Jaehyun felt his heart clenching painfully as he continued, _“If you really do love me.”_

_“Don’t let me go.”_

Youngho didn’t have to ask: he had never wanted to let him go.

And so Jaehyun whispered, so softly he wondered if Youngho could hear him, “I do love you, hyung.”

For a minute, neither of them spoke, and Jaehyun was certain that Youngho missed what he had said. He was about to speak again when his voice came through from the other end.

_“Should we meet?”_

Jaehyun blinked, not quite understanding the sudden suggestion.

“Wait, hyung, what —”

_“I’ll come to you; you should stay where you are. Wait for me, alright? I’m coming over right now.”_

The call ended before Jaehyun could even voice a single word of protest. He was left in confusion as he sat on his sofa, hand still holding onto his phone. The adrenaline was starting to wear off; he felt sluggish and his head could be clearer, but he was glad that he wasn’t completely drunk. Clearly, Jungwoo and Donghyuck’s prevention tactics worked better than he had remembered.

Jaehyun spent the entire wait for Youngho on his sofa, taking small sips of warm water to clear the alcohol from his system. By the time his bell finally rang, he was already feeling much better. His nerves kicked in again suddenly as he got up to open the door, and he had to wipe his palms against his pants twice to get rid of the sweat.

Youngho was panting when he opened the door, to his surprise. From the remnants of what seemed like ice on his hair and coat, it looked like it had been snowing outside, unbeknown to Jaehyun.

“Did you run here? When it’s snowing outside?”

As if it was not a concern at all, Youngho only shrugged and grinned.

“Just from the front gate,” he explained.

"Were you crying while waiting for me?”

Of course, only Youngho would be able to tease him at a moment like this. Jaehyun lowered his face, which was probably still red from the remnants of alcohol in his system, only to bump into Youngho’s chest. Youngho had wrapped his arms around him, walking them inside and closing the door behind them.

“This is embarrassing…” he mumbled against Youngho’s coat and felt the rumbling of Youngho’s chest against his body when he broke into laughter.

“What’s so embarrassing about being honest with your feelings?”

“That’s easy for hyung to say…”

They stayed in this position for a while, and at some point Jaehyun’s arms came up to wrap around Youngho’s waist as well. Youngho pulled away first, in an attempt to get his coat off, and Jaehyun released his latch on him to find him a towel.

When he returned to the living room, Youngho was waiting for him with the brightest smile; one that he hasn’t seen since they’ve stopped promoting together. He smiled back, albeit questioningly, and passed the towel to him so that he could dry himself.

“I’m really happy right now. It’s the happiest I’ve been in the past two years.”

Jaehyun’s smile wavered at Youngho’s mentioning of ‘the past two years’, but he pulled himself together quickly and asked, “Did hyung hear what I said at the end?”

“What? What did you say?” Youngho blinked at him in feigned innocence.

He shot Youngho a dirty look, to which Youngho giggled at, as he took the seat on the other end of the sofa, leaving a gap between them. There were still things left to be said, for now.

“What about hyung?” he asked, hesitantly.

“Do you still love me?”

Jaehyun watched as Youngho sighed, a little defeatedly, and reached over to take Jaehyun’s hand in his.

“… I told you that I have always loved you, didn’t I? Nothing has changed.”

As Youngho interlaced their fingers together, Jaehyun felt an odd sense of security and relief flow through him. It has been a long time since he’s felt this at peace, and he couldn’t help but smile when Youngho pulled him close into his arms. He buried his face into the soft material of Youngho’s turtleneck and apologised.

“I’m sorry I took so long.”

Youngho only shook his head, saying that it was alright as his chin gently rubbed against Jaehyun’s crown.

“I’m still scared.” he admitted next.

“So am I,” agreed Youngho, “But I can promise you one thing.”

“I would never let you down, no matter what happens.”

Jaehyun let out a breath that he hadn’t realised he was holding and reached around Youngho’s torso to hug him properly. He felt Youngho’s lips press against his temple, and trembled slightly in his arms.

“Say it again, please?” Youngho requested softly, lips right by his ears.

 _“…_ I love you, hyung.”

He had probably wanted to say those words all along, all this while. He was just too afraid, and he would probably still be. But with Youngho next to him, _maybe.._.

Maybe it would be alright.

  
  


(( _Lee Taeyong / 15:11_  
guys, I think they finally got together  
youngho went to find jaehyunie last night??????  
and he’s still there?????????

 _Kim Dongyoung / 15:13_  
!!!  
FINALLY  
@ 0 @

 _Lee Donghyuck / 15:13_  
THANK HEAVENS  
@Mark Lee 50 thousand won please, thank you in advance ^^ ))  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this is probably the most ambivalent piece of fic i've written. i struggled with a block for a long time, and also kinda halted my fandom activities for some time, so it was a challenge to release this. nonetheless, this is probably my last fic, and it's sorta different from all of my previous works for how it's really not that sweet at all. i wanted to write something more solemn and perhaps realistic (as realistic as fanfics can get lol), not sure how well it turned out though. 
> 
> since it's my last fic i also wanted to share how i've been conceptualising johnjae thus far; i always thought that it was interesting how different shippers have different ways of imaging their ships. other johnjae writers would probably have a differ opinion from mine, but this is how i write their characters, especially for non-AU fics like this. 
> 
> to me, johnjae is really an imperfect couple, and especially so because they already seem so 'perfect' on their own. they are both confident, are clear about exactly what they want, and are alright with both socialising and staying alone. in sum, they are too similar individually they don't seem to need each other, though they still have their differences -- like how jae is definitely much more prideful and competitive, while john is a bit softer and willing to let go of his own wants when he finds it necessary (i sorta included this in my first fic, at the end of the season); it shows when they are alone, or when they are with the other members. what is interesting, though, is how those similarities seem to blur when they come together. jae seems to be able to let go of his pride a little more when he's with john (hence how i have always characterised him to have childlike tendencies in my fics), while john seems to treat jae a lot softer than he does when he's with doyoung, tyong, mark, ten (and generally most other members except taeil and jungwoo LOL) 
> 
> so yeah, this dynamic they share has always interested me a lot, so it's usually the main characterisation points of my fics. to add on, i feel like john is the type who would not actively pursue someone once he's gotten a hint that his feelings are not reciprocated, even though he may still like them, just out of consideration and respect for the other party. which is pretty much a key point i used in this fic too. with regards to the communication part; i think johnjae definitely would have problems in communicating their honest thoughts and feelings, because (i) john's over-considerate personality (not wanting to trouble others with his own feelings unless the other party was the one being inconsiderate) and (ii) jae's pride. yeah i just seem to think that jae has a lot of pride and he holds a lot of things in by himself... especially emotions and feelings...  
> but again, these are all just how i've interpreted their characters and the ship, and is (of course) by no means their actual personality. ((i doubt any of us would know what their actual personalities are, actually, so...))
> 
> regardless, thank you for reading, and thank you to those who have read my previous fics too!! it has been fun <3


End file.
